Do Bigots Deserve Compassion?

I get that we’re called upon to extend lovingkindness to all beings without discrimination. This looks great on paper and I agree (at least theoretically), but there are some people that make this pretty damned challenging to put into practice.

I really don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about people who spend heaps of time, energy, and millions of dollars working to ensure that a segment of the population doesn’t have the same basic civil rights as everyone else. Or major religious figures that say gay marriage is insidious and dangerous.

The only “in” I can manage to muster up is that those people looking to impede or take away my civil liberties are doing so with the same desire to be happy that I have. What’s behind their actions may be fear, bigotry, an intense reaction against change, and misinterpreted religious dogma, but beneath all of that is the underlying desire for happiness that those of us on the other side want as well.

Strange, isn’t it?

It’s hard to fully realize this when the hatred seems so arbitrary and personal. And really, really mean.

I often get incensed by all the ways that homophobia rears it’s ugly head, especially now as attitudes towards lgbt rights seem to be gradually shifting in this country. But it doesn’t make sense to let myself get consumed by resentment, anger and aversion and allow that to guide my actions.

A lot of political activists of all stripes feel differently, and anger is often their driving force. To be truly effective for any cause, there needs to be something operating besides outrage. Anger can absolutely be a great motivator, but historically the people that are revered the most today and had the greatest impact on social change acted peacefully. Think Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr., Rosa Parks.

It’s important to be mindful of what’s fueling our actions, not matter what we’re doing or how noble a cause we appear to be fighting for. I see a lot of displaced rage and hostility that gets acted out under the guise of “passion” or “activism” when it’s really just as poisonous as the venom being spewed by bigots. As hard as it sounds, we can be more effective when we stop viewing the world in terms of "us" against "them."

I guess I don’t have to feel guilty if I don’t have compassion for everyone, everywhere, all the time. I struggle with this often but I just try to work with it the best way I can.

So just for the record, I absolutely believe that everyone without exception deserves compassion, even those that act despicably.

What I was trying to convey is that it isn't always easy for me to remember this, and that I don't always feel so compassionately towards people like Fred Phelps and his ilk.

When I consider that people working against the civil rights of others are doing so out of a sincere desire to be happy, just like the rest of us, it helps make this a little less personal and reminds me that all people need to be understood from a wider perspective.

In the Crosshairs: Right Speech and Cyberrhea

This is cross-posted at the Interdependence Project Blog: The Buddha had no idea how increasingly important Right Speech was going to be some 2,500 years after he first prescribed the Noble Eightfold Path.

There are lots of great things to be said about Facebook, Twitter, and the relatively new ability we have to share our words with the entire world just seconds after they come to mind. Thanks to social networking sites, revolutions can be ignited and carried through successfully, friendships can be made, injustices can be highlighted and hopefully alleviated, and an 88 year old actress can be drafted by her fans to host SNL.

However, sometimes what masquerades as socially concerned speech is merely the online equivalent of a binge and purge session, or worse yet, a means of emptying one’s emotional bowels (aka cyberrhea).

Just because we can put our thoughts and ideas out there immediately doesn’t mean that they aren’t contributing to conditions that eventually help bring about a certain result.

Let’s say that I throw a banana peel onto the sidewalk just a few feet in front of someone as they’re walking towards it. They slip and fall and break their leg. Is it their fault for not being more alert to what’s going on around them or do I share some responsibility for putting something dangerous in their path and creating the conditions that made an accident more likely?

As I see it, deciding on what’s an example of Right Speech can be gauged by considering questions like: does what I’m communicating help cultivate happiness or fear? Is it ultimately helpful or harmful? Are my words truthful or misleading? Am I using imagery or symbolism that inspires Right Action or does the symbology I’m using plant a seed that could lead to something harmful, even indirectly? Am I spouting my political beliefs because I really care about the issue at hand or am I using it as an opportunity to throw the hot-potato-that-is-my-unresolved-rage at others because misery loves company?

Sarah Palin’s use of a crosshairs map is a prime example. Very few people seem willing to go on record as saying that she bears some responsibility for the shooting of Gabrielle Giffords last month. And Palin herself actually used the ensuing brouhaha as an excuse to claim herself the victim and to take absolutely no responsibility whatsoever for her choices.

A less extreme but equally important example is the person who gets heaps of pleasure out of posting the most outrageous, heinous, and morbid news items and/or photos they can find, as often as possible. It’s as if they just want to throw mud at everyone around them rather than having to acknowledge and deal with their muddy insides. If you want some insight into the state of someone’s mind, just read their Facebook status updates over a period of time.

What we say matters. What we expose others to with our status updates and tweets matters. The art we create, the words we write, the symbols we appropriate all matter.

I’m not proposing that we obsess over every little thing that we communicate verbally or otherwise. But I do think it’s important to understand that nothing exists in a vacuum, and we can’t just pay lip service to Right Speech without considering all of its implications in our day to day lives.

Don't Get Caught

When you throw a net into the sea, fish will be caught, but the water is never caught. Do not become a person who is like a fish. Instead, become a person who is like water.

-Zen Master Dae Haeng Sunim

from No River to Cross: Trusting the Enlightenment that is Always Right Here

Just maintaining the original, true mind is the supreme practice.

-from The Mirror of Zen

UBER-LOVE: Metta Practice and the Art of True Love

I was a pretty lonely and unhappy man until I finally understood that the point of a relationship is not to get my needs met all of the time.

I used to have a checklist of what I wanted in a person, what I didn’t want, a good idea of which of those requirements were “non-negotiables,” and a very clear sense of what constitutes a “deal breaker.”

There’s nothing wrong with having preferences, but I ran into big problems when my preferences morphed into requirements that made me rigid and inflexible. My ideas about what kind of relationship would make me happy were so narrow that I was inadvertently pushing away the very intimacy I claimed to want so badly. Instead I was settling for a bootleg version of love over and over again because what looked good on paper didn’t really exist, and whatever came close didn’t pass the test of reality and time.

I used to make some glaringly inappropriate dating decisions because fear and loneliness were fueling my choices. Underneath my strict personality requirements was a desire to establish some kind of solidity in my life to help soothe the underlying sense of off-ness and perpetual dissatisfaction I felt with things as they were.

I was terrified of my loneliness and tried all kinds of ways to numb it out. I really couldn’t bare it very well until I finally came around to simply practicing with it. Just hanging out with my fear and loneliness instead of trying to mask it over with another bad relationship helped make it more manageable and to see it for what it really was. I no longer feel like I have to react from a reference point of incompleteness or loneliness, and for the first time in my life I’m in a relationship that works.

Metta practice in particular teaches me that love isn’t just something that always feels nice and fluffy, but something I can actually do. By offering love unconditionally to myself, I’m gradually learning how to offer it to others without conditions, guarantees, and without the expectation of receiving something in return.

Considering a romantic relationship as a vehicle through which most of my needs could be met always left me frustrated, resentful, and unhappy. Shifting my view of relationships as being constant opportunities to learn about myself and other people never leaves me disappointed.

The Buddha taught metta practice, or lovingkindness mediation to his monks as a way to deal with the fear they felt after witnessing some ghostly visions and noises in the forest. When they returned to the forest after receiving this instruction, the practice of extending the energy of unconditional love so charmed the spirits that they did a complete 180 and ended up serving and protecting the very monks that once tried to scare away.

Practicing metta helps us develop a truer sense of what love is. It already exists within us and everyone else but ironically we spend a lot of time and energy looking for it outside somewhere instead of aspiring to share it. We don’t need a shopping checklist if the fridge is already full. When we practice this way we can see the limitations of what often tries to pass off as love--neediness, passion, and the desire to posses and control.

May all beings be free from fear, the causes of fear, and the results of fear.

This is also cross-posted at the Interdependence Project Blog

Subway Dharma: How the Third Rail Inspires my Meditation Practice

I'll be a regular contributor to the Interdependence Project blog every Monday, beginning today.

This is also posted on there today.

Recently I was revisited by some difficult emotions I assumed no longer had a hold on me, feelings I thought I’d long since conquered through maturity, a regular meditation practice, and 87 dharma books.

But they had returned with a vengeance, just as strong as ever, testing my alleged progress. It was a reminder for me that life gets manageable at best, and not all sorted out just the way I’d like it be in my neat little compartments and convenient time frames.

It was a good wake up call since I’d been getting too comfortable in what I thought was this ultra-Zen unflappable state of mind. While I often tell people that meditation doesn’t make us immune to painful emotions, I secretly thought I was one of the few exceptions--that I was somehow above them, like I’d been doing it all so “right” for so long that I could take a pass on experiencing some extremely unpleasant feelings and mind states while the rest of humanity was doomed to suffer like mere mortals. (The poor sods).

So in my state of distress I spent a lot of time last week looking to the sights and sounds of this urban environment for some insight, some explanation, or better yet some answers.

My biggest source of inspiration materialized in the unlikely form of a shiny new L train at the 8th Avenue subway stop. As I was waiting for the train to arrive I read a small pamphlet that was touting the efforts at energy conservation on the part of the MTA (Manhattan Transit Authority).

Apparently these newish subway cars have a regenerative braking system--which means that when a train brakes to a stop, it throws energy into the third rail that helps it move forward again.

Hearing about this revolutionary piece of green technology greatly satisfied my inner spiritual geek. I instantly saw a correlation between how these new trains operate and how I can make the crappy parts of my life work to my advantage. I could choose not to use them as an excuse to feel sorry for myself and to engage in avoidance behaviors that only served to inflame the situation I really wanted to alleviate. Feeling stuck doesn’t have to be an end point; it can be a springboard.

I don’t have to be so easily deflated every time something appears to knock me off course or shows me that I’m not as perfect as I thought I was. Those things that trip me up the most can be turned into something useful, something that adds fuel to my practice and motivates me to stay with it no matter what.

So instead of repeatedly replaying the story in my head about what was wrong with my life, I concentrated on the underlying emotions and physical sensations that were causing me to feel anxious, isolated, and depressed. I turned my focus towards my internal emotional and physical experience instead of rehashing the drama in my head about why I thought I felt the way I did. Avoiding those feelings through my inner storytelling and usual methods of distraction had just been making them worse. Giving them my full attention actually helped them to gradually subside.

With a slight shift of perspective I could see that the sour mood I’d been in all week was really grist for the mill of my practice--not a hinderance to it. Rough patches like these aren’t obstacles to practice but rather something to be practiced with.