What a Firefly Taught me about Impermanence

As a boy I really loved watching fireflies light up the night as they hovered around silently in the dark, warm air. 


One evening I so desperately wanted to prolong their spectacular light show that I thought it best to get a glass jar and trap a few of them in it so I could guarantee myself a private performance any time, anywhere (whether under my sheets at night or while having Froot Loops for breakfast). 

So I scooped a few into an empty peanut butter jar and left it in my room overnight, excited at the prospect of having them as pets that would perform for me on demand. 

When I awoke the next morning however, the same creatures that had delighted me with their vibrant illuminations were barely crawling around the bottom of the jar. At that moment I realized that I’d made a horrible mistake. After consulting the family Encyclopedia Britannica (these were pre-google days) I learned that it is the nature of fireflies to fly around at night and emit their golden glow in order to attract a mate. But during the day they are meant to be hanging out on flowers or foliage so they can feed on pollen. 


My trapping them in a glass jar had thrown all of this way off course.

Through my inability to simply appreciate their brilliance in the correct context, I had robbed them and myself of the privilege of simply riding the wave of impermanence. I wanted instead to prolong a pleasurable experience in a way that suited my short-sighted desires, and in so doing I caused myself and other living beings some suffering. 

Very often we resist one of the most fundamental aspects of this life: that everything is constantly shifting, changing, evolving. We breath in and out. Thoughts come and go. The quality of light changes from one second to the next. Mind-states that seem so daunting and heavy and permanent actually do change, if only we can just observe, trust, and wait. 

Impermanence doesn’t have to be viewed as something gloomy (e.g. Dammit! Everything eventually dies!) It’s actually a dynamic process full of potential and wonder if only we could refrain from resisting it, and revise our mistaken view to a correct one. 

At the base of our suffering is the changing nature of life itself. Our tendency to want to cling to certain things and keep them around as long as possible, and our desire to avoid anything we view as unpleasant or painful is what inadvertently causes us to suffer. So the very things we do to avoid any form of unease or unhappiness ends up creating unease and unhappiness. 

Since all things are impermanent, the second we try to experience contentment or joy through some outer means, we are dooming ourselves to failure. This sounds like bad news but what I am saying is in fact actually quite optimistic: as the Buddha taught, all of us are already inherently complete and awake and in need of nothing from “out there” that might fix or complete us. We are fine just as we are--and our job is to simply realize this and operate from that reference point.

We can ride impermanence and flow with it in much the same way a surfer uses the ocean as her driving force.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting certain things in life like a relationship, a fulfilling job, or the most amazing fitting pair of jeans. But our orientation to those things is what can mess with us if we aren’t careful. All of these things we look to for happiness are subject to change, and that’s ok. 

Impermanence as I see it is like a stream that never looks the same from one moment to the next. When you stand back and observe it’s flowing, constantly changing nature,  it’s really quite beautiful. Resisting impermanence is like trying to freeze a stream in time or trap a firefly in a tiny glass jar: when we do so, all we are left with is a facsimile of an experience, a crappy, lesser version of an experience, as opposed to the fullness and well-roundedness of the actual, fleeting experience itself. 

May we all learn to ride the wave of impermanence with ease and freedom.

“Nature's first green is gold,

Her hardest hue to hold.

Her early leaf's a flower;

But only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf.

So Eden sank to grief,

So dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay.” 

- Robert Frost

Saturday's dharma talk at Queer Sangha at the Interdependence Project:

What is Tonglen Practice? A brief introduction.

Tonglen isn't a very "Zen" kind of practice but I find it very useful.

I like that it can be practiced in a very simple and direct way in everyday life. Tonglen means "giving and receiving" and it's a method for connecting to our own pain in a way that gives it less of a selfish focus and helps us to develop more compassion for others.

It can be done very formally through an extended guided meditation (replete with "flashing bodhichitta") or it can be done on the run, or whenever it feels appropriate.

The way I see it, tonglen practice helps give some meaning to our pain so instead of wallowing in it and using it as an excuse to make an even bigger version of ME, we can instead use it as a tool to develop more sensitivity and compassion towards other people. So the pain that seemed so isolating and monumental at first can be transformed into something more useful that can help alleviate the pain of others. And the act of doing that ends up lessing our own suffering.

This short clip is from a dharma talk I did at a Queer Sangha meeting yesterday at the Interdependence Project.

Getting Out of Your Own Way: Viewing Meditation as a Manifestation of Your True Nature

Dharma talk from Wednesday June 20 at the Interdependence Project:

What my Father Taught me

For Father's Day I'm reposting this:

Almost five years ago my father was in a hospital undergoing a grueling cycle of blood tests, poking and prodding, infections, antibiotic treatments, recovery, more poking and prodding, reinfection, and more tests. He weaved in and out of consciousness and once even called out for his brother who had died some twenty years earlier. His personality would frequently disappear and then suddenly return again. He had fragmented into pieces, some of which I recognized, most of which I did not. His “Dad-ness,” contingent on so many fleeting factors, was changing as the circumstance of his health declined.

In just three weeks he dropped to ninety pounds, just half his regular body weight. The man I used to blame for the bulk of my personality flaws was rapidly regressing to a vulnerable, childlike state. I was suddenly caring for him in ways I never thought I would--feeding him, helping a nurse give him a sponge bath, holding him up when he cried and could no longer stand on his own, and eventually giving him regular doses of liquid morphine during his last few days to help alleviate what I imagine was excruciating pain.

Very late that last night, his breathing pattern had changed significantly, which we knew from the hospice literature meant he was about to leave us (they actually give you a handout to prep you for what happens when someone is dying). He’d been completely unconscious for the previous two days, and while his body had functioned in a mechanical sense, there was little to no sign of life underneath it all. He was there but he wasn’t there. For the previous two days his breathing had the perfunctory quality of a respirator machine. He was still my father yet it felt as if my “real” father had already left and his body just had to catch up, like he and his body were slightly out of sync.

Being there by his side as he took his last few breaths was one of the most important things I’ve ever done. He co-created me and was there just after I was born, and I got to be there with him just as he was ready to die. He raised me and taught me how to ride a bike and wash a car and how to make my work environment as comfortable and orderly as possible so I could work more efficiently. He taught me things he hadn’t intended to teach me, like how to be patient (as he often was not) and the importance of not jumping to conclusions too quickly (as he often did).

The process of caring for my father transformed my selfish, habitual anger towards him into a desire to alleviate his suffering and make him as comfortable as possible. I grew obsessed with trying to make sure he wasn’t in any pain.

In just a few days I’d managed to accomplish what many years of therapy could not--I was able to forgive him for all of those things I’d spent years blaming him for, all of those things I expended so much energy resenting and whining about. All of the blame and anger I’d attributed to his inadequate parenting quickly unraveled when I was able to have my perspective shifted by how brief and precious life really is.

I used to blame my father for my inability to be fully intimate with other people and through his death I learned how to cut through that. Whenever I sense some sort of block between me and someone else, whenever I feel anger or hostility or insecurity in relation to other people, I bring to mind an image of that person as an infant and an image of them at the moment of their death. All of the stuff that happens in between shouldn’t be confused with the underlying reality that binds us all together.

Most of us have very complicated relationships with our parents and I’m not claiming that their influence and behavior towards us during our formative years doesn’t have any sort of impact; of course it does. I am saying that what we do with the circumstances and conditions of our lives is our choice, regardless of who or what contributed to their creation. All we can do is to work with whatever we’re given and wherever we are at any given moment. We can choose not to let those things fester and turn into sources of self-pity and blame, or we can use those same things as an excuse to engage in destructive behavior and to build walls around our hearts.

It’s up to us.

To use our wounds as some sort of protective armor is to be fearful and weak. It’s when we recognize the transformative ability of our pain and those feelings of loss that we’re being courageous enough to step outside of ourselves and our inner psycho-dramas long enough to be of service to someone else.

In the end my father left me with a huge gift: the realization that this life of ours is temporary, tenuous, and precious. There is something there before we are born and something there after we die, and we’d be wise to spend at least a portion of our lives getting acquainted with what that is.

Thanks, Dad.

Homophobia Under the Guise of Buddhism and Karma

I've received an unexpected amount of hate mail since my previous posting about a dubiously worded post at "The Daily Enlightenment" earlier this week. 


On a Facebook group I belong to, someone posted the following comment:


...I didn't see any "homophobia" in either one. You didn't seem to, either, because you wrote this: "I don't feel that the author harbors and blatant hatred or homophobia in his or her heart..."

Regardless, just because someone disagrees with your opinion does not mean he or she is "homophobic." That's an emotionally charged word that hinders communication and promotes alienation. There may be more skillful ways to bridge gaps between people....


My response:

Brother ________,

Thank you for helping me clarify for myself and others what I wish to communicate. These points can be very subtle, particularly for those of us who do not belong to a minority group and have not experienced any kind of bias from the majority.

Everyone has the right to their opinion, but many opinions can lead to beliefs, behaviors, and social policies that cause a great deal of suffering for others. Many racist people are of the opinion that black and hispanic people are somehow inferior. I have actually heard people who consider themselves Buddhists openly speculate about why some people are born female, inferring that being a woman in this lifetime is some sort of karmic payback for transgressions made in previous lifetimes. It’s as if being born male is considered normal and if someone is female, there needs to be some explanation. 

In the case of what I am addressing, some context needs to be applied here. It was only 40 years ago that homosexuality was de-classified as a mental illness by the American Psychiatric Association. Before that, there were many theories as to “why” someone is born gay or lesbian. All of those reasons have been proven incorrect time and time again, yet some still look for reasons to explain why LGBT people exist, but don’t pose the same question when any talk of heterosexuality arises. 

So it is indeed offensive that when a simple question such as “Is it ok to be gay?” is asked, the answer and the comments that follow include statements about past life explanations, precepts, sex and lust. A correct answer would have simply been something like: “The Buddha never spoke about homosexuality so there is no scriptural references condoning homosexuality as might be found in the Christian bible.” 

But instead, the author belied his/her prejudices in the second to last paragraph of the original post by inexplicably talking about "changing preferences over the course of many lifetimes", and saying people are “born gay/lesbian due to past life influences.” This implies that there needs to be some explanation for the very existence of an LGBT person, yet this has nothing to do with the initial question. When one tries to come up with causes they are pathologizing an entire group of people. And there are some who are still practicing reparative therapies (under the guise of psychology and/or religion) which have been repeatedly debunked both ethically and scientifically.

For some odd reason, the author also starts talking about the Third Precept and sexual misconduct which also has nothing to do with the initial question and belies a bias based on incorrect beliefs and yes, homophobia on the part of the poster. For some reason, when gay and lesbian people are apoken of, some people automatically swing their thoughts and attention to sex, lust, and misconduct. This is all very subtle and very easy to miss if one has never been the target of such biased treatment.

And if the author felt there was nothing wrong with the initial wording of that posting, s/he would not have secretly altered it to less offensive wording and then allowed the cyber sniping to continue in the remarks section without making that clear.

I believe a person can suffer from homophobia without having any overt sense of hatred  in their heart. I was being generous by saying I didn’t think the author harbored any homophobia in their heart but that didn’t seem to matter. The intensity of the comments that ensued and some of the hate mail I have received since then makes my point for me.

The Buddha said he was concerned about two things: human suffering and how to put an end to it. Our job is to help reduce the amount of suffering in the world. Sometimes being skillful can result in controversy, resistance, and misunderstanding. Public perceptions don’t change until members of a minority group raise the bar high enough for themselves so that they realize they have the same value as the majority. 

When I witness anyone saying things or enforcing policies that directly or indirectly cause suffering for any other group of people, I will continue to speak out and it is my hope that you join me in this one day.

Kindly,

Dō’an

Zen Meditation Q & A

Turning Poison Into Beauty

Dharma talk from May 2012 at the Interdependence Project

Homophobia and Karma

Yesterday I was alerted to an interesting little blog post attempting to answer the question "Is Being Gay OK? from a Buddhist point of view. You can view it HERE.

Attached here is an image of the original post and my comment on it. As is often the case, gay and lesbian orientation was spoken of in terms of "what may have caused it" which subtly implies that some explanation is needed since there is something wrong with an LGBT orientation. I don't feel that the author harbors and blatant hatred or homophobia in his or her heart, but statements like the one from this article that I am repeating below belie a fundamental misunderstanding and bias with regard to sexual orientation:

".....However, the truth is, in the rounds of rebirth, everything is dynamic. People can change their preferences, although in the rounds of rebirth, everything is dynamic. People can change their preferences, although in the realm of sexuality, it is a slower long-drawn process. E.g. most are born gay/lesbian due to past life influences, and do not so much consciously choose to suddenly change their orientation in this life...."


My point here is a subtle but crucial one--why is a gay or lesbian orientation being viewed in terms of what may have "caused" it? Of course I am aware that all things are the product of previous causes and conditions, but one never hears about any possible reasons or explanations when it comes to why someone might have been born with a heterosexual orientation. That's taken as a given since it is more common in a statistical sense.

And speaking about the nature of an LGBT person in terms of "preference" trivializes and diminishes people. I prefer chocolate over vanilla--my orientation as a gay man is not a "preference".

Besides that, note the 'tag' below the post: SEX. Wouldn't it have been more appropriate to use a tag like 'civil rights', 'minorities', or even just 'gay/lesbian'?

Gay and lesbian people are all too often viewed solely as sexual beings, and this wrong view is often used to justify those that argue we can simply change our sexual behavior to appease the moral views of some who decontextualize the scriptures of their respective spiritual traditions.

I realize that many will think I'm being overreactive and too in-your-face about this but my aspiration here is to help end the suffering that so many LGBT people experience in this world. I'm incredibly grateful to see how far societal opinions have evolved and matured with regard to this matter, but there is still much work to be done and I don't want any gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender person to suffer any more due to any form of homophobia--no matter how large or small in degree.

Interestingly, the author edited the original posting so that it now reads:

 "....E.g. most are born homosexual or heterosexual due to past life influences, and do not so much consciously choose to suddenly change their orientation in this life. If any form of sexuality is fixated upon as a form of attachment from life to life, it would be impossible to transcend sexuality altogether...."

Below is the original posting from yesterday, and below that is how it now appears. At least the author seems to have gotten the point and I appreciate that.

Below is the altered version of the article:

Seven Ways to Meditate Anytime, Anywhere (Even if You’re the Busiest Person on Earth)

People often tell me that they really want to mediate but they’re too busy - there’s just not enough time. We all have a lot of things going on like jobs, school, families, and other responsibilities, so I frequently hear from clients and students that when they’re done with their day the last thing they want to do is to sit on a cushion with their legs crossed for thirty minutes.

The Buddha dealt quite a bit with lay people who led regular lives. He came into contact with people who didn’t have the luxury of being able to practice formally for several hours each day because they had to work in order to survive and they also had to deal with familial responsibilities. Just like today, people back then had personal and professional pressures to contend with and little to no down time.

So this notion that there’s something so uniquely challenging about our modern day situation when it comes to meditation practice is hogwash.

Many people really want to meditate and realize how important it is but they just can’t fathom a way in which such a practice could be integrated into their everyday lives.

I was talking with my teacher today about this topic and he reminded me of what his teacher Zen Master Seung Sahn used to say. Whenever he was asked what Zen practice was, Seung Sahn would reply,

“Correct Zen practice is: how do you keep your mind moment after moment after moment?”

He didn’t talk about long, formal meditation sessions or mind-numbing postural techniques—he simply emphasized the importance of bringing practice into our everyday lives and not treating it like some special, isolated thing that could only be practiced only under a very specific and limited set of circumstances.

So the good news is: you don’t have to be a card-carrying monk or a smiling, mala-bead wearing, prostrating, full lotus sitting, palms-together self-identified Buddhist in order to practice effectively every day.

Now don’t get me wrong—sitting and walking meditation are fundamental, wonderful forms of practice, and very, very useful. But if you find that you just aren’t taking the time to sit on a cushion or chair for just five, ten, or fifteen minutes a day, there there are other ways to work a meditation practice into your everyday life, even if you’re the busiest person in the world.

Here are seven ways of meditating that even the busiest among us can fit into their day:

1. Smartphone Practice – Set your phone alarm to go off at several different times throughout the day. When you hear the tone, take a moment to pause and check in and see how you are doing, even if it’s just for a few seconds. Notice if you’re stuck in any thought loops or harboring any negative emotional or mind states. Don’t try to force anything away or muster up any kind of special feeling, just notice how you are doing in that moment and then continue on with your day.

2. The Lay-Away Method – Just as it’s less painful to make a big purchase in small incremental payments over time, you can approach your daily meditation practice in much the same way. Just commit yourself to several periods of mini-practice sessions spread throughout the day. For example: tomorrow you can plan to be still and follow your breath for just sixty seconds at five or ten different periods. Use a reminder alert on your phone if you must or just schedule these one-minute sessions in your calendar the way you would a business or social engagement. When it comes to the length or frequency of each practice session you can adjust it all as needed in a way that makes it more doable for you.

3. Post-it Practice – Stick some small post-it notes in various places around your home and office that can serve as visual reminders to pay attention to what your mind is doing whenever you catch sight of them. Place them on mirrors, computer monitors, windows, closet doors--wherever you might come across them during your daily routine. You can also do this using a rubber band on your wrist, small colored stickers, or anything that can be visually prominent enough to remind you to notice what your mind is doing for at least a few seconds or more.

4. Pissing Practice – Once my teacher witnessed a desperate student approach Seung Sahn with a serious dilemma:

“According to the others at this Zen center, I am not practicing enough but I don’t have enough time each day to meditate for long periods…so what should I do?”

His answer really surprised her (and I'm summarizing):

“You shit, right? You pee? During that time, make that your practice!”

Everyone has to pee. Even the busiest person in the world has to urinate at least once a day. So why not use those precious few seconds to return to the moment and fully experience the sensations attached to the activity of peeing? We mustn’t waste anything--not even our waste.

5. Street-Walker Meditation—Whenever you are walking and wherever you happen to be, just walk. Don’t try to figure out your life or solve the world’s problems in your brain as you’re moving about—instead just pay attention to the feeling of the ground under each foot as it touches the earth below. Whether you are rushing down subway stairs, walking in the mall, running on the beach or strolling down the street, take at least a minute or more to completely immerse yourself in the simple activity of walking. Make an art out of moving yourself from your desk to the bathroom or from your parked car to the supermarket entrance. Notice what you are feeling and what kinds of thoughts arise as you do so without adding anything extra.

6. Eating Meditation – Whether you’re grabbling a quick cup of coffee at Starbucks or having an elaborately prepared gourmet meal, allow yourself some time to simply experience the act of consuming without piling anything on top of it like reading or allowing your thinking mind to take over. All too often we find ourselves eating or drinking something without even knowing what it tasted like when we’re done because we were so distracted by some inner chatter or outer multitasking. Practice is about fully engaging with whatever activity we happen to be involved with at any given time and nothing more. Whatever you are doing is enough.

7. Keyboard Practice – Cellular phones, ATM machines, and computer keyboards can be utilized like modern-day mala beads. When you’re texting or typing at your computer for example, pay close attention to the sensation of your fingertips as they tap against the keys on your phone or your keyboard.

What’s most important is to develop a way of practicing consistently that makes sense for who you are and the kind of life you lead. Be creative with this and come up with ways of meditating that are manageable, and this will inspire you to stick with it. Good old-fashioned seated meditation is still one of the best methods for learning how to get acquainted with your mind and to understand your true nature, but it’s not the only way.

Good practice is not just about sitting for long periods of time or going away on extended retreats at exotic meditation halls or reading a densely written Dharma book that makes you want to yawn. It’s simply about being fully aware of what your mind is doing at any given moment, and this is something you can do at any given moment.  

How to Meditate Anytime, Anywhere